Tugboatese

By Capt Scott Buckley

Why Call?

When traveling on the ICW (intercoastal waterway) between Houston and the Rigolet just east of New Orleans you encounter a lot of tugboat traffic.  By necessity you need to communicate with them over the marine VHF radio to negotiate crossings and state your intentions.  You will also hear the tug boat captions negotiating there crossings and stating their intentions.  This sounds pretty straight forward except it is not done in english.   I speak four languages poorly and dabble in a few others and the sounds coming from the radio do not sound like any language I have ever heard except maybe redneck Klingon. 

Part of me wants to call it jibber jabber but for the most part you can ignore jibber jabber but when someone is yelling at you on the radio and they are piloting a million tons of steel and probably very toxic cargo your way you can’t get away with: “could you repeat that Captain all I heard was a bunch of jibber jabber”.  I said you can’t say that but I bet it would be a hoot to try.  The ensuing chatter on the radio would be from those that strongly agree that the language is impossible and those that think you’re so ignorant in the ways of the canal.  I had heard comments on the radio from others to “repeat that in english skipper”.

Singling out you target.

When you attempt to hail another boat on the radio your hail goes out to all the vessels in your broadcast range and the range on the marine VHF is about 25 miles.  On a heavily traveled ICW that may mean dozens of tugboats.  Generally you attempt to narrow down your target by identifying the direction of travel and the ICW mile post they are at.  For example:”this is the east bound sailing vessel Kooky Dance calling the west bound tow around the 132.”  Sounds pretty straight forward except there are no signs indicating what mile post you are at.  You need to get that from your charts by plotting your position and interpolating yours and his mile post between the five mile intervals marked on the charts.  This can be a great deal of fun if you are alone at the wheel the wind is blowing the charts around and you are trying to NOT run aground again before lunch time.   
Often even though you have figured all this out and delivered your carefully worded broadcast to get the attention of your intended target you get no response.  You try again and your odds are 50/50 you will get a response and even less for one from your intended target.  I don’t know if I am doing it wrong or they are just too busy chuckling in their wheelhouse because it sounds like somebody gave Steve Erkle a radio mic and told him to say something funny.  You see I don’t have that twangy good old boy accent that often characterizes the tug boat captains speech.

Say What?

If you do get a response it goes something like this; “Twangy twang T sail boot. is da you on the weewoo turnee boo nneth side.”  Yeah  I did not understand it either but that should not stop you now.  A great deal of navigating tugboatese is blustering your way thru it.  Even though it is tempting to go all Robin Williams and adlib a crazy response it is recommended you respond with the obvious; “Roger skipper this is the east bound sail boat, what side you want to pass on?”  The response can be almost anything.  If by chance the response is “the one” you are in good shape.  Even though it looks like english it translates to pass port to port when going in opposite directions. 

So you ask how could a sound coming out of your radio the sounding like “the one” actually  means to pass an oncoming vessel port side to port side.  Well it is actually short for “one whistle” and harbingers back to the days before radios when the vessels use to signal each other with whistles or horns. One whistle blow meant port and two whistle blows for starboard.  Kinda easy, the number of whistles matches the number of syllables of the side of a vessel.

What seems like the end.

If, and odds are likely, you get a response in some unfamiliar words in tugboatese your in deep kim-chi.  If you are doing 6 knots and they are doing 6 knots then you are closing with your certain death and destruction at 12 knots.  If they are 1/2 mile away you have about two minute to fill out your last will and testament, say your last words to loved ones and make piece with your god or gods if you are hedging your bets with multi denominational faithing. 

The Wizard.

OORRRR you could bluster.  I always fall back on the bluster; “roger skipper I’ll see you on the one”.  The look I sometimes get from the crew is priceless.  They heard what you heard and it definitely did not sound like the “the one”.  They start to ask you, how did you understand them but they are interrupted by sounds coming from the radio that sound distinctly like a confirmation for the one.  Then they look at you like you are some kind of seer.  A wizard or sorts that will get them through anything.  Its a good feeling except you know it was just bluster.

Making a Pass.

So what if you are overtaking another vessel.  The overtaking vessel does not have right-of-way and has to call the vessel being overtaken to negotiate the passing.  Logic would dictate that if you wanted to pass them on their port side you would request to pass them “on the one”.  That would be logical but tugboatese is not always logical. 
For example if wanted to pass a slow vessel you would call them by name because when you are overtaking you can usually see their boat name on the stern and you would request from them what side they will let you pass on.  They will usually say you can come around on their two.  That means oddly enough you are to come around on their port side and your starboard.  Doesn’t really make sense but that would be par for the course for tugboatease.

Did I Hear That Right.

You will hear terms like strung out and loaded.  Now at last check these were terms used to describe drunks and junkies.  That may explain a few things about tugboatese.  I have actually wanted to respond on the radio jibber jabber with my own jibber jabber.  You know a little payback.